Where God Found Me
I sat on the bench, head in my hands, telling God that I didn't know how to keep going. My heart heaved in my chest and my breath was ragged through my tears. I had just about given up. I doubt that I ever would have committed suicide, but I was completely and utterly at the end of myself. I didn't know how to continue living.
The truth is, I had failed. Despite trying my best to be a good Christian girl, I'd failed, beaten myself up, and failed again. The cycle of being in an unhealthy, pressuring and at times, an abusive relationship, had been a difficult one to break. I gave myself away, despite not wanting to. I'd always intended to save sex for marriage and yet I hadn't. The well-meaning yet hurtful Christian youth talks of how once you have sex with someone and 'stick' to them (metaphorically speaking) you wouldn't ever stick as well to subsequent partners, rolled around in my head. And yet, I'd done worse. I'd taken a subsequent pill on three separate occasions. Confused to begin with about how this pill worked, I soon realised that it could and often did cause very early abortions. I wholeheartedly believed that on one occasion it did so for me.
These were the big occurrences and hurts which were weighing me down that day - the abuse, the sex, the anger and disappointment at myself, my shame before God and my realisation that I had likely ended the life of my child. Yet, looking back even further, the road to my broken self sitting on the beach that day, had been littered with compromise: getting drunk, making out with male friends at parties, going clubbing and dancing... I hadn't exactly been living righteously. Sadly, although I had tried to pull myself together before things got worse and had sought out the counsel of a trusted, pastor's wife, I was given terrible advice; advice which led me deeper into destruction and into the aforementioned relationship. Although my choices were my own, sadly the fact remains that if I had of been given Godly advice and help at this stage, I doubt that I would have ended up where I did.
All of the above culminated in that day on the beach - A day where I actually begged God to end my life for me if this was all that awaited me. And yet, I remember asking him to help: asking him that if he could heal me, restore me and use my story to help and to save others, then I was willing to walk forwards, no matter what that looked like. I begged God. Literally begged and brokenly demanded that he would give me a sign if this was even possible. I honestly didn't believe that it was.
He answered my broken plea. (And this is where I may lose some of you). But right there, in that moment, I looked up at the sky and goosebumps arose over my body at the sight that beheld me. For there in the sky - which was blue as far as my eye could see, save for four little white cloud formations which together spelled the word L o v e. It was not perfect calligraphy, as one might have expected from a sky-writer and there had been no planes flying overhead prior. But it was nevertheless clear, readable and there for a few minutes only, before the wind blew the clouds out of this perfect formation. L o v e = God's love for me.
This single occurrence, together with the two weeks I had booked for myself at that small cabin down at Bateman's Bay, set me on the course of healing. Much prayer, much Bible reading, many tears and eventually passing out from exhaustion numerous times when the pain got too much to bear, ensured during those two weeks. The healing which continued in my life from this point was not easy, for there was much to occur. Spiritual healing, emotional healing and also physical healing; for at this stage of my life, I was also incredibly unwell and on a disability pension. God thankfully led me and was there for me every step of the way, on my journey from brokenness to wholeness in Him. I was re-baptised, this time wholeheartedly meaning it and giving my entire life to God. I continued and completed my ministry degree. And now, many years later, I sit penning this today.
God saves. He saved me. And he can save you too. No matter what you've done.